I’m Exhausted

upsie

My day started at 6 and with a trip to the store. The magical cigarettes needing replenishing ……. and they were.

When I got home, I made coffee and did a post or two and then decided to get a shower and head to the bank. There was only one teller at the drive through today, so I sat there for at least half an hour. Ho Hum.

When I got back home, Keith was waiting in front of my house. My son was here, but he has his music on at the top of the volume and headphones on his head. There are days he might be wearing those headphones ………. somewhere.

Right after Keith got busy with pulling out the tubs full of fabric, linens and God knows what, Kay came in. We all sat here with a big tub in front of us and about 8 empty boxes and we sorted everything. All the bark cloth is in one box, curtains in another, big pieces of fabric in another and little pieces of fabric in yet another. I found another Tibetan Wall Curtain. Amazing. And we found a lot of vintage fabric ……… see I put this stuff away and out of sight, out of mind.

My foyer is full with boxes ready to be loaded. Loading starts tomorrow with the heavy furniture going in first. The weights will have to come out of the grandfather clock, the pendulum and it will have to be wrapped. And Keith – oh brave soul – is going to put the antique crystal chandelier from a hotel in Chicago together. He said he was going to do it on Saturday and I casually advised him he better do it Friday because it takes hours to hang those little lead crystal baubles on it. It is amazing when it’s together. And it is huge. I think it’s around 3 feet in drop and about that wide across.

Then, after all of that, I got my hair done. I’m happy to say the cut is perfect. She cut off about 2 inches in length which makes my growing out bangs fit in better. And, of course, she colored it. It is beautiful, if I do say so myself.

I came home and grabbed the kid and we went for groceries. It’s over. That’s all I can say. There’s food in the house, we won’t starve and we got cat food. You cannot tell a cat she has to wait for a day or so until you feel like going to the store. No. You have to go.

It’s almost 7:30 here and I’m still not in my pajamas – horrors – and I haven’t changed clothes. I’m just sitting here …… writing, putting off everything …… wiped.

Okay I’m back. I’ve done my thing, except for cleaning the cat litter and emptying the Bodum. i can do those later …….. I’m going to take a whole couple of hours and be a zilch, nothing, waiting for a Face Time, just chilling out.

Tomorrow the truck loads, I go to Orono for my husband’s birthday and then Friday, I have appointments again and the final loading will be done if necessary. And then on Saturday, it’ll all be worth it ………. I’m sure it will.

ZAP

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Boom go the stars, zap go the planets ……….. we are in the middle of a mega year in astrology. In just three days, on October 4, Mercury will stop what appears to be it’s forward orbit and will go retrograde. It will move from 2 degrees Scorpio back to 16 degrees Libra …….. between the 4th and the 25th of October.

Here’s the schedule:

October 4 Mercury Station Retrograde at 2º Scorpio 6.02am BST, 10.03am PDT
October 13 Mercury enters combustion with Sun
October 15 Mercury sextile Lilith
October 16 Mercury conjunct Sun 10.42pm BST, 2.40pm PDT.
October 17 Mercury conjunct Venus, Mercury sextile Mars, Mercury opposite Eris.
October 21 Mercury conjunct North Node
October 23 Solar Eclipse at 0º Scorpio close to retrograde point.
October 20 Mercury sextile Jupiter, Mercury out of combustion with Sun
October 25 Mercury Station Direct at 16º Libra 8.16pm BST, 12.16pm PDT

Usually we’re advised not to sign contracts or make agreements and watch out for communication with others. Also electrical things can go zap with no notice. But this Mercury retrograde is different. We’re going to hit the October Solar Eclipse of 0 degrees Scorpio three times during this retrograde period. It is going to be interesting.

I can already feel the extra energy. I have an auction the day that Mercury goes retrograde. Great. Luckily it decided to go retrograde sometime after the auction starts, so I’m not too worried about it. And, I have Libra rising at 22 degrees 36 minutes. I have Mars at 22 20 and Neptune at 21 35. I have Saturn, thank God at 14 36 so Mercury won’t back up quite that far, but far enough. I also have Spica on my ascendant and Spica is the asteroid of creative artists ………. Here’s what Marina Macario says about Spica, Mercury the Sun:

Oct 16 Mercury will be in that special spot of sitting in the throne of his majesty (Cazimi the Sun), both planets conjunct Spica. This really is very special indeed. Our usual glum and acerbic 1930’s Astrologer Vivian Robson goes to town with this one! He says the Sun on Spica gives “Great and lasting preferment, eminent dignity, immense wealth, great happiness to native’s parents and children, help from friends among clergy, favorable for public and legal affairs.” Whoopee! Ok, let’s not too carried away folks, this is a retrograde period after all….Nevertheless, if you keep your eye on the Mercurial ball, I think this is a wonderful day for genius in writing and brilliant creations of all kinds. Time to get that blank canvas out and begin your masterpiece, especially if 23º Libra connects to your chart in any way.

Oops 23 degrees Libra definitely connects to my chart ………… better get busy. To read more of what she says, you can find her at http://darkstarastrology.com/mercury-retrograde/ and the whole article is fascinating.

But what does it mean? Right now, things are coming to a head. We have the bombings happening in Syria. I just learned that we have deployed National Guardsmen from Bangor. Our troop is called the Maineiacs ….. and they are a refueling squadron so when the Air Force flies, they refuel them. My hairdresser’s husband is off to Qatar the end of November and some of his fellow soldiers left two days ago. They’ll all stay two months and then return home. They won’t be in the middle of the fight necessarily, but they will be making sure those planes can fly and fly all the missions that need refueling. And we have more trouble in Iraq, more trouble, it seems everywhere.

I feel the uptick in the energy level. I do have some mighty powerful stuff happening right now, but it’s all come together in one big BANG and it’s all happening at once. Over the past few months, since the Cardinal Grand Cross in April, my life has changed in every aspect.

This is a year of transformation. I am ready for it. Life needed to change for me and life needs to change for a lot of you too. And let it. The changes are good changes. We’re growing, we’re moving again and life is no longer stagnant. Bring on more energy – I love it.

To Be or Not To Be

IST-IS3RM-00002533-001To be, to have, to think, to move — which of these verbs is the one you feel most connected to? Or is there another verb that characterizes you better?

I am a Being. I am. I am in a state of Being at all times. Recognizing that I am Spirit and a human being at the same time, enhances my life.

When I began walking my path 51 years ago, I didn’t even know I was a being, let alone that I was walking a path. I just knew things. I knew that I was in Hell. I knew that I did not need to do this or that to escape the future repository of my Soul in Hell. I knew my Soul was already there.

I explained this concept to my mother, after one of the many times she told me not to do something or I would go to Hell. I told her, “Mom, we’re already in Hell. We’re not going anywhere.” My Mom was a bible-thumper (her whole life) and this information was not well received. Not at all.

I think she marked me out then as someone who was being weird. Someone who was going to cause her more trouble, the older I got. And she got her wish, I did become more trouble.

I was an extremely well behaved teenager, but my mother saw me as wild. I didn’t drink when I was in high school and frankly I was shocked the year after I went to college to find that some of my acquaintances were found doing drugs in the bathroom. I didn’t even know there were drugs at my high school. Does that sound like a wild person? No. It sounds like a naive person, a person who was just being good. Being. Good.

I started at Southern Illinois University, at the age of 17, because I had graduated from high school a year early. Frankly, I was sick of high school. I moved to Carbondale the end of September and I was fascinated with not having Mom to direct my every move ……… Lord that woman got up my nose.

I took the train home to Champaign in the middle of October. I’d been gone for only a few weeks, and my parents wanted to see me. I had on blue jeans, a tee-shirt, a jacket and a yellow hat because it had been raining in Carbondale and I walked to the train station.

My mother was waiting for me and she was talking to this older lady. When we got in the car, Mom said “Here I was telling that woman my daughter was a fine dresser and always looked like a proper young lady. Then you get off that train and you look like a hippie.” She didn’t even know that woman, but she wanted me to BE someone she could be proud of, not me.

For years, almost from the day of my birth, I started to try and gain my mother’s approval. Up until three months before she died, when I couldn’t take her any longer and deal with my family, I tried to get her to appreciate me for who I am. It was a pointless exercise. I learned after her death, that when she spoke of me to her family and friends, she spoke about how proud she was of me, at how well I’d turned out and how glad she was to be my mother. Not one word of that “being” a good daughter passed her lips and hit my ear. I was always a monster, I had a “vulgar” mouth (still do) and I was not lady like, whatever that is supposed to be. I did not meet her expectations and therefore I spent years futilely trying to gain the approval of everyone I knew or encountered.

I found out early in my marriage that my husband had that same personality trait. He would not approve of hardly anything I was or did. He showed his disapproval in subliminal ways. He would give me a look if I said something he didn’t like or if I did something he didn’t like – that was usually to do with money or his family (I should have been spared his family) and I would instinctively try to get his approval too. Until one day he sounded so much like my mother I froze. I remember looking at him and remarking that I was going to “be” me. And that if he couldn’t take that, then the door was also in a state of being and he could go through it, without letting it hit him in the ass.

He never stopped the disapproval manipulation but I certainly stopped being manipulated by it. If he was in a “mood” I either ignored him or left the house and visited with my friends at the quilt store ……. or better yet I pulled out my other weapon that just killed him. I went shopping. I did a lot of revenge spending in those years ……… and I don’t think he ever figured it out. The more disapproving he was, the more I spent. It was such a catharsis for me. I was being resentful, I was being not happy, but I was being me.

And now, since I have lost my mother who can no longer tell me how much she disapproves of me and since my husband can no longer speak and also who has dementia and can’t express disapproval, I don’t need to do anything. I can just be, thank God, I can just be.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/verbal-confirmation/

Be the Magician

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The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand. The Magician: Mastery over word, mind, and matter. The ability to turn ideas into actions, handle problems, and control one’s life. The initiation of new projects, great works, or a new way of life. Eloquent and moving communication. Arcane and eldritch technologies.

The symbols surrounding any occult practice are the essence of that practice. I was drawn to the Tarot as a means of illuminating the readings I gave my clients. I am personally entranced by symbols, hidden meanings and possibilities.

The Magician stands with his scepter pointed at the heavens and his other hand points to the Earth. The message this elucidates is “As above, So Below” and, in a reading, shows me that the subject has the ability and the desire to create their desires in their daily life. They need only a road map and guidance. They have the capacity to manifest their dreams.

Mastery over word, mind and matter come when one is in a state of calmness. They are nowhere to be found if your mind is scattered, if your words are unconsidered and if you are constantly focusing on that which is not, but that which you must have. Being in a state of calm, peace in your heart, brings potentialities and coincidence to your life so that what you want unfolds in front of your eyes.

This operated for me years ago on a material level. I have three examples of how this worked. First, when I started out as a working psychic, I had to get known so that I could build a clientele. I did classes at Adult Education in metro Detroit. I gave every student mini readings and they would then call me for a complete reading or perhaps schedule a group. I worked from the fall until February reading 30 people a week outside of class. I was burnt out. I had in my mind that I needed time off. Starting in March of 1988 I got that time off. People quit calling. I had no work. I started to panic, although I had mentally established the idea of a down time. I didn’t know what to do.

I began visualizing what I needed. I saw $50 bills floating into my mailbox, I visualized answering the phone and making appointments. I began to get more clients, more readings. After that, I never told the Cosmic Consciousness that I needed time off. I accepted my work as it came, without conditions.

When I started assembling a quilt collection for sale in 1996, I was enthralled with certain kinds of quilts. At first these were traditional quilts and then I became fascinated with African-American quilts and their impact on my eye. I daydreamed about the quilts i wanted. I saw a Princess Feather quilt, or a Rose Wreath or a French Basket …….. and within days these quilts would present themselves to me and they were in my price range so that I could buy them. Whenever I wanted a particular quilt, it would show up. I didn’t notice it at first, but as I continued to put out my shopping list and it continuously became reality, I got it. I was creating my reality.

At one point my mother and I were talking on the phone. It was June and she was worried. They had property taxes coming due and their income, a retirement income, made paying that bill difficult. They couldn’t seem to save money back for the taxes each month because they had such a strict budget. I certainly understand that now.

When Mom told me of her worries, I said to her, “Don’t worry Mom. I’ll play Dad’s lucky number in the lottery and we’ll pay your taxes.” That night I dreamt that I was buying something. The numbers came to me as 595 or 995. When I awoke I remember the dream but I had two numbers to play, not just one. These were neither of them Dad’s lucky number so I played that too. I put $2 straight on each number and also I played them in a box.

I got the Detroit Free Press every morning. When I woke up the next day, I checked the lottery numbers. The number 595 had come in, one of the very numbers I had played. And it came in the day after I had spoken with Mom about her financial worries. I won $1000 plus the money from the box ticket. I laughed. I called Mom and told her. I think she had to sit down. The taxes got paid that year. And my Dad’s first response when Mom told him I’d won the tax money? He told her to tell me they didn’t need it ……….. they got it anyway.

That was The Magician. That was me, in my mind, creating the circumstances I needed at the moment. It has worked for me many times, like the time the province came to see how much damage was done to our property during Hurricane Juan. We had lost a lot of shingles off the roof and that was covered by insurance. We had also a stand of five old trees. Two of them lost large branches, but one tree had this big limb that was wrapped around the trunk of the tree like a piece of string. My husband used a chain saw and a hand saw to remove that twisted limb. He had to be very careful because of the energy in that twisted limb which could spring back to its original shape if the limb was cut in the wrong place.

Someone from the province came out and asked us what losses we’d had, since the emergency clean-up fund was going to cover the costs. We explained about the trees …….. and the province sent us a check for $2,000. We needed that money for another bill, another item to be ticked off the list of items that needed paying. It came out of the blue, and it was amazing.

When you need something, really need something, invoke your Magician, that magical person that lives inside of you at all times. Just invoke your Magician and sit back and wait for what you need …… believe me, it will show up.

Flow

a-ostrich-funny-animals-HD-WallpaperAccording to Csikszentmihalyi, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-minded immersionand represents perhaps the ultimate experience in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning. In flow, the emotions are not just contained and channeled, but positive, energized, and aligned with the task at hand. The hallmark of flow is a feeling of spontaneous joy, even rapture, while performing a task[2] although flow is also described (below) as a deep focus on nothing but the activity – not even oneself or one’s emotions. Wikipedia.org

There are a lot of trite phrases out there. I know, i’ve used most of them. Be Here Now is starting to get to me. I need a new phrase. I’m getting fed up with some of them.

Being in the flow is another catch phrase, an overused and overworked phrase I’m going to ban from my blog …. along with Be Here Now or being here now …….. if I can’t think of something else, then I am not the person I want to be.

I wonder if it’s only in America that we have the luxury of coming up with these cute phrases to explain what mental state we’re currently in. Do other cultures do this? Somehow I think if I were busy scouring the land for an animal to kill to feed my family – I wouldn’t worry about being in the flow.

Or if I was on a battlefield in the middle of Iraq, I probably wouldn’t give a damn about flowing or not flowing, as long as it wasn’t my blood that was flowing. The blood of the current enemy would be okay.

The way we describe things is getting me down. I have to listen to my friends talk about “deep” relationships. Like this relationship is all the way down to the center of their being. Of course the guy is a loser with around 8 or 9 other women in his life, but hey, he’s deep. Deep – knee-deep in excrement.

Then there are my friends, well getting to be not friends, who talk about their sanity in terms of “being real” when in reality they are psychotic and need to take their medication. Seriously, I don’t want anyone being real around me without their anti-psychotic meds. Whew. No crying jags because you wanted to drink and not take the pills for a day or a week. Lay off the booze, it’s depressing ……… and no, you are not being real. You are being stupid.

And then there’s my buddies who need to blame everything on a bad situation. This was bad, therefore I robbed a bank, smacked a kid into the next century …….. on and on.

New phrases, new words, new meanings ……… sort of a Zen of words …….. if one more New Age crank adopts my favorite words …….. I will not be in the flow. Nah. Not in the flow at all.

What I’ve Learned ……..

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  1. I have learned that I have no patience, and I like my life that way.
  2. I have learned that I don’t tolerate foolish people. At all
  3. I have learned that my political beliefs are normal.
  4. I have learned that I am not easily fooled, well maybe once, but not more than that.
  5. I have learned that what I thought I wanted, I don’t want.
  6. I have learned that i am guided by the planet Mars. Mars is a big, red planet.
  7. I have learned that I want to be around people with a sense of humor.
  8. I have learned that I want to be around people who swear a lot.
  9. I have learned that being supportive and caring is not always the best manner to adopt.
  10. I have learned that I have a blank when it comes to understanding human behavior.
  11. I have learned that I cannot be bothered to understand human behavior.
  12. I have learned that I have way too much to do.
  13. I have learned that, if you have money, life is easier.
  14. I have learned that if you don’t have money, life is easier.
  15. I have learned that without a lot of money, you don’t waste as much.
  16. I have learned that being peaceful is way better than being entertained.
  17. I have learned that I love music when I get to choose what I listen to.
  18. I have learned that I am excited about redecorating my house to suit ME.
  19. I have learned that I am super glad not to have to live with stuff I didn’t buy.
  20. I have learned that I’m heading into an incredibly exciting and stressful time.
  21. I have learned that I live on stress.
  22. I have learned that I am intense.
  23. I have learned that I am not normal – which is such a comfort because I have fought against normal my whole life.
  24. I have learned that whatever I am, it isn’t boring.
  25. I have learned that there are many needy people in the world and I don’t need to help them all.
  26. I have learned that I don’t want to make compromises at all.
  27. I have learned that I don’t need to compromise.
  28. I have learned that when a situation gets to be hard work, that’s a sign I don’t want the situation.
  29. I have learned that I am here now. Which is so trite sounding I could scream.
  30. I wish I had a better way of saying I live in the moment. So that people will get it. I didn’t get it for years. I heard it, I read it, but I still didn’t do it.

And that’s what I’ve learned ………. so far ………… I’m still in life-school – more to come …….

Put It Down

Rachael:

I’m getting more and more comfortable with this. More able to cope, to let it ride, to just let it be.

Originally posted on A Little Fluff:

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Sometimes I get overwhelmed.  Sometimes I don’t recognize that what I’m experiencing is what I need to experience for my soul growth. Sometimes I don’t want my soul to grow – just sit there and leave me alone. Too much integration or too much separation – one or the other. How to balance all of this?

I have problems with which to deal, as we all do. Right now, it’s my husband and his health. His poor health, dementia, inability to walk and/or speak has been coming on for 4 years. Progressively getting worse, moving down a notch, requiring more and more creative thinking. Getting out of denial which traps me like glue – that I have to reach out and get away from.

It has almost been a year since he moved to the nursing home. He’s asked twice to come home. Thankfully, only twice and I’ve been able…

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Truth Serum

music_leonard_cohen_bands_desktop_2503x2386_hd-wallpaper-540895You’ve come into possession of one vial of truth serum. Who would you give it to (with the person’s consent, of course) — and what questions would you ask?

Anyone who knows me could answer that question. I have no secrets, okay maybe one or two, but I have no secrets about my passionate adulation of Leonard Cohen. None.

I’m not sure Leonard would need truth serum actually. I already have a scenario where I get to sit and smoke with him while drinking a fifth of Glenfiddich or Talisker ……. and we talk. We talk about life, love, depression, the depths of passion, living full out, not hiding behind a mask …… profound discussions ……….

I know Leonard would adore me should he ever be lucky enough to meet me. I could wish that I’d met him when he was say ah, 36 and I was 18. That would have been fantastic. But we’re no longer 36 and 18. Collectively we are 142 years old …… old enough to be getting on with living, before the final bell tolls and we move over to the bright side ……..

If I had to inject that truth serum, if Leonard wanted me to, I’d ask him where he got this fountain of words that keeps spewing forth wisdom. I’d talk to his Soul to see where the source might be and how Leonard got into it – because he did get into the Source …… all the way into the Source. I’d talk to his Soul, my Soul would ask the questions, just being curious, just wanting to tap into that Source myself, needing to find those words of passion and pain all wrapped up together, that searing heat of truth that tumbles out of Leonard, onto a page and into the music. Where is that? Can I have some ……… wait, I think I do. I do have that …….. I can hear those words, I can see the pain and the passion wrapped up together …….. I suffer from the same gift, I have passion and pain and I can tap into it whenever I want.

When Leonard wakes up, I would be the only woman he sees. I would be the only woman he ever wants to see ……….. and we would both look at each other and say hallelujah ……….

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/truth-serum/