Sock Knitting and a Metaphor of My Life

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I’ve had a couple of sock failures in my knitting life recently. One I was almost finished with and I looked at it and somehow I had a big hole. A big hole I didn’t know how to fix. Rip.

Then I started with another yarn. It looks a lot better in the skein that it does in stockinette stitch. It looked more brown and green in the sock, not at all what I thought it would look like. You can’t always tell, can you?

I got that sock up to about 5″ into the cuff and there was this weird group of stitches in one place that looked odd. I have no idea what I did. I knew I couldn’t undo it, so once again it got ripped. I’ve yet to get another sock on the needles.

Sock knitting is a metaphorical description of how my life’s been going too. For the last few months something has been added, taken away, added, taken away ………. I have whiplash. I don’t look for the circumstances to be added again. I think that phase of my life has ended and probably none to soon.

And today I’m tired. It’s cold here, colder than it has been in a while. We’re expecting a nor’easter in a couple of days. So soon for those nasty storms to head up the coast. Thank God it will be rain, but it will be an enormous amount of rain and wind. The leaves will really fall when it hits.

And a nor’easter might just blow out the last remnants of the circumstances in my life that have been making me more unhappy than happy. That would be a big relief for me, unhappiness not being something I want to live through every few days or even every few months. I truly believe that life should flow easily, that there shouldn’t be constant tension and if there is, something has to change.

I don’t need excited, euphoric happiness, but I do need a calm, peaceful existence. As my friend says, I have a lot on my plate. Adjusting to the impending death of my husband, knowing that when he does die I will feel as if I had no clue it was going to happen, wondering how much my life will change again once he’s gone, helping my son cope with the loss of his father – these are all things in my future. I can’t really rehearse them now, although I have tried. They just have to happen when they happen and I’ll have to live it as it comes.

But, in the meantime, I don’t want to be unhappy. I want to be peaceful, doing my simple things, knitting my sweaters and socks, cooking our meals, visiting my husband, keeping my home clean, finding joy here. I can’t project what might be down the road, I can’t live the pain now and I can’t take on the new pain. It’s like being in the path of a meteor and knowing that you are, but waiting for it to hit. When it hits, I want to be strong, not weak from battles I have no business being involved in.

So I’m building socks. And I’m reclaiming my life …….. my simple, non-complex and rich life. And waiting for the rains to come ………

Living Simple

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Simple living is the mantra of the moment. It’s almost become complex because there are so many magazine articles, websites and directions on how to live a simple life.

Living without excess consumption was the beginning of the movement toward simplicity. People actively decided not to buy things, to fix or recycle something instead of purchasing something new. By doing that, we free up time because we no longer need to work so hard to buy the things we don’t want or won’t want a week after we get them.

There are other areas besides consumption that can be simplified. I chose years ago to be a stay at home mother. Once my son turned 7, I started working for myself, in the evenings at home and doing groups outside of the home. I hated leaving my house at 6 to do a group. The dread would hang around me for hours. I could have eliminated that dread by spending less and therefore needing to work less. I know that now.

I am getting done with this life. Oh I may live another 10 or even 20 years, but I am on the way out. And I love it here. I love, for once in my life, being able to direct all my minutes and hours, not have them directed by others or by the demands of earning a living in some way or other, either for myself or by working for someone. I can be the director of my time.

And then there is the simple practice of being mindful. Breathing in and out. Recognizing the moment that you are in, not the past, not the future. Just being here now, doing what you need to do in this moment, not living with regret or expectation. Just being. This is a blessing beyond compare.

And it is difficult to maintain, that living mindfully. Many things will come up that will kick me out of the moment. I will become to attached to an expectation, a desire – I will try to mentally solve all problems that I face, not recognizing that in a few days or even hours, those problems will seem like nothing. Staying in the moment is something.

That practice makes everything flow smoothly. Even if you are angry but yet still mindful, you can love your anger and recognize it. Once you do that, the anger starts to dissipate. But if you feed your anger with past transgressions of the same nature, you form a knot of emotion in you that will come back again and again whenever the same words are used, the same feelings experienced. You cannot refuse to recognize your anger because that just keeps it in you, simmering and waiting for a time to explode. Better it be dealt with mindfully, lovingly and with compassion for yourself.

Another branch of simple living is simple speaking. No matter how close you think you are to someone else, your words can be misunderstood, turned around, pointed back at you. It is much better to have a comforting response to someone else’s issues, but to not embark upon trying to alleviate their suffering. They must alleviate their own suffering, it is not up to me to do this for them. And in fact it just provokes anger, maybe not in the moment, but those words will be remembered, they will come back and they will not be what you meant at all. Better to speak simply in the moment and let the healing be done by the other person on their own.

And so that’s the simple living prescription …….. I think I should print this out and stick this on my refrigerator. I need simple, I truly do.

Aspects

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If I told you to jump, would you ask me how high? No, you wouldn’t. You’d ask me first why I think you should jump, or we’d have to have a conversation about the merits of jumping versus the merits of not jumping.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a whole life reading. This was done by an eminent astrologer from what I consider my hometown of metro Detroit. I lived longer in Detroit than in any other city except my birth city.

Robert Thibodeau had a good reputation during those years I was in Detroit. I always wanted a reading from him,  but as is true with most great thinkers, his time was expensive. I finally gave myself the benefit of his insight and I am so glad I did.

At first he spoke of a positive aspect in my progressed chart, explaining to me that I am in the midst of a conversation with my Higher Self. That what I am experiencing is a true opening, a flowering of sorts of my consciousness. I appreciated that because I have a lot of heavy aspects right now, ones that give me much to think about.

He concentrated next on the aspect of Uranus conjunct my natal Moon which is in the orbit of conjunction now and has been for some time. And then he explained that since Uranus has gone retrograde, it will exactly conjunct my Moon on the 23rd of October. Robert said he didn’t remember if I’d told him my husband had just died or if he was dying. I explained my husband’s ill health, his presence in a nursing home and the fact of his imminent death. I had not spoken to Robert about this before, he just saw it. Robert showed me the aspects in my chart which point to the time my husband will make that transition.

In April we had a Cardinal Grand Cross. This happened at 13 degrees with Mars in Libra, Jupiter in Cancer, Pluto in Capricorn and Uranus in Aries. I have my Moon at 13 degrees Aries, Saturn at 14 degrees Libra, Mars at 22 degrees Libra, Neptune at 21 degrees Libra and my Sun at 12 degrees 51 minutes Capricorn. You can see that the Grand Cross hit me like a ton of lead bricks. BOOM.

Living with Pluto conjunct my Sun for the last couple of years, I know I am going through a time of transformation. Pluto brought up all my nasty shadow baggage and made me deal with it – or else. Or else Pluto would deal with it, giving me more lessons to learn, the hard way.

I’ve been going through the process of spiritual enlightenment since moving to Prince Edward Island in 2000. My Pluto line runs through PEI and I was forced to deal with my conscious and unconscious reactions to stress, anxiety and depression. I was breaking down my defenses daily. Luckily, toward the end of this process, I started working with Bhakti yoga primarily in my spiritual practice. This only necessitated the chanting of the name, the practice of devotion and it was my vehicle out of the stagnant spiritual life I had been living for some time.

And now I have other astrological aspects that point to spiritual work being done. Robert laughingly remarked that in days gone by if you had one bad aspect the astrologer would tell you life will be difficult, if you have two bad aspects your life would be very difficult and if you had more than 2, you were screwed. I have more than 2.

And so I have the winter. I have the winter to let all these aspects that have been bombarding me with change and growth to pass. I have worked with them, I have explored their depths, I have accepted their message. And after the winter, my life will once again change, transform and the heavy aspects will be gone. The most comforting thing Robert said to me was that I would be in that state of grace for many, many years. I hope it’s for as many years as I have left ……… because the tough ones lasted a long time. A wicked long time.

Infinite

09JOURNEYS1-articleLargeAt what age did you realize you were not immortal? How did you react to that discovery?

My first encounter with death happened when I was 5 years old. My maternal grandfather died. I remember my mother coming to school and taking my sister and I home. She explained why after we were in the house, after we’d sat down at the kitchen table.

My grandfather didn’t figure greatly in my life. I was much closer to my grandmother. She was a marvelous person, fun to be with, acting like a child herself. She was always warm and loving.

Grandpa Henry had what we now would call “issues.” He was abusive to my Uncle Les and at one point beat him so badly they had to call the doctor in, This was in the dark ages, when things like this would happen, a mild rebuke was given. He should have been removed from the home so he couldn’t harm Uncle Les again or any of his other children.

Grandpa Henry manipulated people. He didn’t want my mother to move away from the home my dad and she built next door to her parents. It was necessary for them to move, not only because my dad was driving 47 miles each way to work every day. They needed to leave so mom could get some distance between her and her father.

I remember Grandma Nannie being at her husband’s funeral. I don’t remember her being devastated by his death, not like my paternal grandmother would be devastated by the death of my grandfather in three short years. Grandma Nannie was calm.

When I saw my grandfather in his coffin, waiting to be buried, my mother explained death to me. She was a religious woman and she gave me the religious explanation. Reincarnation was akin to blasphemy in our home so no comments were made about him reincarnating and coming back into this plane to learn. Somehow I knew that dead body wasn’t the end of anything. It was pure instinct.

I’ve been present at the death of many family members since then. I don’t cry and I’ve wondered why I feel so strangely calm when death appears. Others in my family will cry buckets while I sit there dry-eyed. I have been accused at such times as being unfeeling. I did feel, but I felt hope rather than despair. It is so hard to explain, that feeling that comes upon me when someone near me dies. It is a feeling of relief. Relief for them, a letting go, a going out and coming back in. It has always been so for me, even as I watched everyone be upset and crying when I was 5, when Grandpa Henry died.

I know now. I know that I instinctively knew we do not die. That sounds simplistic, but it isn’t. We don’t die, the spark that is our Soul, it was never created and it never dies. We may go into the ocean of Cosmic Consciousness for a time, but we will come out of that ocean, when the time is right, when there is a body awaiting us with the right lessons, the right vehicle for our return. And so I deal with death the way I’ve dealt with death since I was 5. I don’t give it much regard. I celebrate who was and who now still is. Life is death. There is no other.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/finite-creatures/

 

That Brick Wall ………

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When I was working as a psychic, all those years ago, most of the people I read were women. I had a few men come for readings on the recommendation of friends or family, but mostly they were women.

Without exception the women were involved in unhappy relationships. Relationships that instead of making them feel secure, did just the opposite. The relationships they had were ones they insisted they must hold onto, no matter the cost, no matter the pain or the hurt. They saw no other choice.

Enter me, a wise woman with wise words. I spoke of other choices, of other partners in the future, those who would honor them, cherish them and treat them well. I told them once they removed that toxic relationship from their lives, they would make room for one that they deserved. A relationship built on truth and trust, one where they felt secure, where there was no doubt, where they were sure in their love and their love being returned.

But life doesn’t always go that way. There isn’t always another partner, another relationship. And these women didn’t want to be alone. I did a post about aloneness earlier today. Alone is how we are. It doesn’t mean loneliness, it just means that you are complete within yourself. That there is nothing on the outside of you that will complete you. There is nothing or no one you need in order to be complete.

These clients of mine would never have understood the concept of just being love instead of being in love. There is a major difference. Being in love is exciting at first, it makes you glow, you feel special. And then the relationship deepens and you learn more about the person you love. And maybe you learn things that make you stop and think. And then you think all this thinking is too much work.

The path of least resistance isn’t something I used to choose. It is now. I find that anything that finds me always in a state of What? isn’t a good place for me. I might be a bit naive in my thought processes, but if I have regular moments of doubt, knowing that I have a developed intuition about things, then I had better start paying attention. For me, at this point in my life, I don’t want anything that requires the expenditure of excess negative emotion. Life is quite frankly too short.

As I told my clients, the Universe will put a brick wall in your path. And if you don’t change direction when you hit the wall the first time, you will hit it harder the next and the next. So what, exactly, is good about brick walls in your face? It hurts. And no matter how good that hitting yourself in the head with the brick wall seems to feel, it’s not good. It’s not something I want to keep doing.

There are varying degrees of pain. There is physical pain, of which I can take a lot. And then there is emotional pain, disappointment and distrust. And that kind of pain wears out its welcome way fast with me. Being taken for a fool makes someone feel foolish. And I should feel foolish. I hit the brick wall once or twice and didn’t change direction. And then I got in way over my head. And being way over my head, I ignored that damn brick wall again. Until now, when I hit it again. And yes, it hurts. But better a little hurt now then a whole lot of hurt later.

So once again, I find the advice I gave my clients to be good advice. Do what makes you feel good. Be happy. Be in a state of peace. Don’t live your life being upset and don’t focus outside of yourself for anything. It’s there. It’s all inside. It isn’t outside. And you’re fooling yourself if you think it is. And being a fool is foolish.

Flying Without A Clue

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I tend to be adventurous when it comes to DIY. I do things I might later regret. One time I painted my whole living room with yellow paint and plastic wrap. People thought it was wallpaper. That was a good DIY thing.

My kitchen sucks. I wish I could tell you it doesn’t, but it does. I had a marvelous kitchen with all the bells and whistles but it was in the wrong country. So now I have a kitchen that is almost 100 years old, the cabinets have been painted a thousand times and the countertops were updated in the 1960s. I know this because they were blue.

Fast forward to 2013 and me putting LusterStone on my countertops. Not a bad idea, I just needed to put a sealer on them when I was done. I didn’t have any sealer and I didn’t have any money to buy the sealer.

So today, once again, I’m getting creative. I got some metallic paint from Faux Effects in Sun Gold. It’s pretty pale. It didn’t cover the stains on the LusterStone. So then I get out my Jacquard Lumiere paints and choose a few. Halo Blue Gold, Metallic Silver, Pearl Turquoise …….. now my countertops are a weird blue-green. I’m going to make them look like marble, I know I am.

It would be less of a hassle to just get new countertops, but the prices make me screech in disbelief. Even plastic countertops cost the earth. I may check out the Restore here to see if they have anything. But then I’d have to find a “man” to install them. And that man would want to be paid.

It’s looking kind of pretty in there so far. I like the way the light plays on the Sun Gold/Turquoise combination. I can just hear people remarking how they would have to redo the kitchen (and then wanting to take $100K off the price).

Ah the joys of home ownership. Nobody should live without such slavery. It is marvelous.

I’ve marbled the tops. That means I’ve splotched sun gold all over the countertops with plastic wrap. It now must dry. That’s good because my back f’ing hurts. I think I put it out coughing. Anyway, it’s time for a meditation break ……

More adventures as they come ……

OMG An Election

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I like election night. I remember being 8 and my parents and grandparents watching Kennedy get elected. It was exciting because he was young. He was handsome too, although we didn’t know at the time that he was a douche bag. We know that now.

I remember election night when I was 11 and I had helped with the campaign of a woman running for Congress. She lost. But the other people I met that year won. Like Otto Kerner, our governor. We didn’t know he had fixed race track betting at the time. We know that now. He spent a lot of time in prison. Most Illinois governors do, you know.

I remember election night in 2012. I thought I would have to go out and shoot half the population of America. Turns out I didn’t need to – they shot themselves. It is so pleasant to watch how few of them still think voting for someone who didn’t have a clue maybe wasn’t a good idea. It’s humorous when what goes around comes around. I feel vindicated.

And now we’re going to have another election. It’s a midterm election, but it’s important. We’ll see if anyone has been paying attention to what is not happening or if they’re still hiding in the cotton wool of hope and change. We’ll just see.

There won’t be much change in Maine. We have three candidates for governor and two of them won’t win. I think you could throw all three of them in the air and they’d land hard. I don’t think it matters at all.

And Susan Collins will still be our pretend Republican senator, joining Angus King – an ex-governor of no repute – as they plan and plot to get through only those bills they like. They might have more to like if things go as planned.

But you know, little goes as planned. It looked like anyone with the record of a Barack Obama was going to have big trouble getting re-elected. And then along came Romney, who couldn’t put a campaign team together to save his soul. Romney, who was totally intimidated by Candy Crowley. Well she is intimidating I guess but I would have told her to shut the fuck up unless she was running for president.

Now we get to choose who runs the congress. Hmm. Do you think if we threw them in the air, they’d come down hard? Oh yes I think they would. It better matter, but I don’t think it will. No more faith in government, that’s me. No more faith in politicians with pretty faces and empty words. No more faith ……..

Poison

Sabrina+4You get to spend a day inside your favorite movie. Tell us which one it is — and what happens to you while you’re there.

Fairy tales, the handsome prince who would find me, the knight in shining armor …… these stories all led to my downfall. And the downfall of many a woman, I might add.

Growing up in the 50s and 60s, we weren’t progressive then. Feminism wouldn’t come into being until later. We were told, at least I was, to count on a career as a secretary, a teacher, maybe a nurse. We were taught that we would do those things until we found Mr. Right and settled into the little house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and thought up lovely meals to feed our Mr. Right and had his 2.5 children who would go to private schools and become doctors.

What a waste that was. Those women who weren’t attractive enough, bold enough or just downright determined enough, ended up unmarried. It was the kiss of death.

I must admit I love Sabrina. I loved it when I first saw it and I was pretty young. I wanted to be Sabrina. Maybe that’s why I know I was born in Paris and spirited to a boring college town in Illinois by my evil godmother.

Those of you who are too young to have seen the original movie – don’t bother with the one with Harrison Ford in it. He’d already succumbed to the witchery of Calista Flockhart and they were having an affair whenever he could find her among the blades of grass. Meow.

Don’t watch it. It’s not good. Watch the one with Audrey and Bogie. It’s much better, except that I would have to change a few things to suit me.

I am Sabrina, not some doe-eyed excuse for an anorexic. Sorry. I go to Paris but I don’t learn how to crack eggs, because cracking eggs is simple and anyone can do it. I learn how to design clothes in Paris and how to wear them. I don’t have Givenchy dressing me as did Audrey. Notice how even as a chauffeur’s daughter, she wears clothes that are perfectly made.

While I am in Paris, I don’t write letters home about how much I love this playboy that I grew up knowing. Instead I find a cafe and a pen and a notebook and I write about the people I see. I meet French people who do not hate Americans. So I have a group of two around me. They speak French and I learn to speak it too.

Then my class is over. I do not go back to Long Island to live above a garage. Instead I head to New York City, where although it is not Paris, it is at least alive. I speak French with a perfect accent. All the glitterati and celebrities, fooled as always by surface trappings, think I am French. They want me to dress them, since I am this exclusive designer who will only design for women who have no sense of fashion. Women who need to learn how to dress well. I only dress those women.

Soon people are flocking to me from all over the world. They call it Rachael’s Transformation, me taking an ugly duckling and turning her into a swan with beautiful plumage. Ah. I am so exclusive I can name my price and I do.

Do I ever wonder about the playboy in his mansion on Long Island? Not for a moment. I dress his wife. She is a true ugly duckling but she has enough money to buy my clothes and my services. I relish making her look beautiful, because he isn’t paying attention. He’s too busy paying attention elsewhere. The poor woman, I think. That could have been me, rotting on the vine, spending money to attract attention I will never have. It could have been me. And I say a prayer of thanksgiving …………. I escaped Sabrina’s fate.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/fourth-wall/

Being Natural

21-Zen-gardenAloneness is your nature. You were born alone, you will die alone. And you are living alone without understanding it, without being fully aware of it. You misunderstand aloneness as loneliness; it is simply a misunderstanding. You are sufficient unto yourself.” 
— Osho

They do say misery loves company. From the day we are born into this incarnation we are subtly instructed to look for company, to look for someone or something to hide the loneliness everyone feels.

I have been lonely many times in a crowd. I feel my loneliness more keenly in a crowd than when I am in my home, doing what I do, doing what I do slowly. Loneliness bothers me when I am in the world, not when I am not.

Our society defines success in many ways. One of the definitions of success revolves around how many friends you have. Just look at Facebook for an example. What is the point of Facebook? Is there a point to it? I don’t think there is. i think the whole point is the numbers game played. How many Facebook friends do you have? Do you feel better because you have 10,000 friends on Facebook? Or when you are alone at night, before you fall asleep, do you still feel your loneliness even with all of those Facebook friends? You do. I know you do.

Loneliness is natural. We are alone beings. There isn’t anyone out there, in the world, that can make you feel less alone. You are self-contained. Everything you need, everything you are looking for to complete yourself, is right there in your center. The cure for loneliness doesn’t exist for you in another person or more Facebook friends or more society. The cure for loneliness is yourself.

Years ago someone remarked to me that something worried him about me. He said he was worried because I didn’t have that many friends. It irritated me. It also bothered me that I didn’t have that many friends. I’m not a person who makes friends easily. I don’t let a lot of people into my life. In my experience, the people who have come into my life and claimed friendship with me have been looking for something else.

In my role as a psychic consultant, I counseled my clients on living from their center, not living while directing their energy outside of themselves toward someone or something else they thought would make them happy. I told them first they had to be happy in themselves. Looking for someone to bestow happiness on them was the problem. Happiness isn’t something that comes from owning, possessing, having. Happiness is an energy form that just is.

I have been fortunate in my life to spend much of my time alone. I have actively refused to merge with other people, to spend hours talking about problems on the phone, hours discussing this or that, time to me which was wasted time. I have been the repository of emotional baggage many times to the point where I’ve felt like someone’s wastebasket. I have babysat other people’s neuroses. I have learned that doing these things is in my nature. I have an understanding and empathetic nature. I can sublimate what I want, how I want to spend my time, to someone else who seems to need me more than I need space.

The only problem is that I do need space. I’ve lived my life consciously choosing aloneness over togetherness. I do experience loneliness from time to time. I see it as a clue that I am out of center, that I am not being natural, that something is amiss within me. When I get back to being natural, the loneliness turns to aloneness and I am once again content.

I have learned that unless I can be content with myself, I really cannot be content with someone else around me. I become judgmental, critical and I feel my energy diminish. If I am not content with me and me alone, I am not ever going to be content with anyone else. There will always be something more to have, more recognition, more commitment, more time, more togetherness. There will always be the need for more. Unless I am content within myself.

I am a closed being. I am part of a whole, but the whole doesn’t contain me, I contain the whole. As I learn and grow and expand my idea of bliss, I find that I touch this expansion of love for the whole of existence because I can be alone. I am content to be alone. And when that feeling of contentment leaves me, when I say to myself I need this person or that person or I need this or that, then I am unhappy. I refuse to live my life unhappy.

I don’t often quote the Bible. That’s a taboo with me, being raised in a home where the Bible was taught but not lived. But there is a passage in the Bible that explains this aloneness/loneliness dichotomy and how to get beyond it. It is the passage that reads “Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven and then all else will be added unto thee.” Yes.

The Kingdom of Heaven was an abstract concept to a little girl and then a teenager. I always envisioned a shiny gold place with a throne and an old man in robes sitting on that throne. I don’t know where that mind picture came from, it was just there. Maybe I saw it one day in a book, I don’t know. I only know that was my concept of heaven.

There were no directions given on how, exactly, to seek the Kingdom of Heaven, other than not breaking any of the 10 commandments or honoring your father and mother – you know all those behavior things the Bible taught so well. There wasn’t any talk of sitting and meditating on the meaning of what was being taught. There were only exhortations given out like an algebraic formula, if you do this, then you will get that.

I didn’t find my path in Christianity and when I was old enough to skip church on my own decision, I did. I was still seeking though. And I read everything. I read books on Judaism, books on every religion I could find and books of the great philosophers. I still found nothing that made my heart sing.

And then one day I met a man, a gorgeous man, I might add, who gave me a book. He gave me Ram Das’ book entitled “Be Here Now.” I wasn’t in the best place mentally, suffering from depression, feeling heavy and hopeless. I could barely concentrate on walking, let alone reading. But I did read that book. And then we discussed it. And I asked him questions because he understood that book better than I. And I started to get it. Slowly I started to get it.

I read that book the first time 41 years ago. And I still slip from time to time, I still get out of center, I still refuse to be here now, I still look outside myself for something, anything to cover over my pain, my loneliness, my sorrow. It’s a good thing I don’t like the taste of alcohol because I can see myself deadening my pain with liquor. Luckily that wasn’t my path. And it’s lucky I never got into the drug culture, didn’t like nor understand the people I met who were always stoned or always high on this or that. I looked at them with a sober eye and decided I wouldn’t be numbing my brain with chemicals either.

No. My path is to take life neat, the way it is. To learn what life is and in order to do this, I have had to be happy with my aloneness. I tried running from it, thinking loneliness was a fault, loneliness was a result of me not being good enough, me not being gregarious  enough or interesting enough or just enough. Loneliness was me not being.

The day you decide that all these efforts are failures, that your loneliness has remained untouched by all your efforts, that is a great moment of understanding. Then only one thing remains: to see whether loneliness is such a thing that you should be afraid of, or if it is just your nature. Then rather than running out and away, you close your eyes and go in. Suddenly the night is over, and a new dawn … The loneliness transforms into aloneness. Osho

Being natural. Being now. Being alone …….. that’s the center of living and the jumping off point to everything. That aloneness is the Kingdom of Heaven. I found it.