It’s Not Even Winter Yet ……………

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There’s my favorite yellow house on French Street – on the first day of spring in 2013. Well, that tells you what’s heading my way.

So it isn’t winter yet. It’s fall, it’s beautiful out and it’s 72 degrees. And all I can do is deal with heating systems, heating fuel, payments for heating fuel ………. I am going to gag.

Whenever I have a problem like this, where no matter what I do I am trapped into doing something I do not want to do – I step back and see if I’m creating something I don’t want to create. What am I thinking, to get this stuff operating in my daily life? Shoot I can’t see a thing today, seriously. I don’t think I’m creating this. It’s just the way it is. I can either accept it or go down to RH Foster and beat the crap out of all of them with my bare hands. That sounds good. I could do that.

I have someone coming to look at the heat pump tomorrow. I’ve already had someone else tell me the warranty isn’t any good if the people who sold it to me don’t do the service. I laugh out loud. Well, no, they’re not going to. The next time someone from RH Foster gets into my house will be when I am dead and gone. So cool – no warranty.

At times, being retired has its benefits. I don’t have to go to work, which is a  BIG benefit. I don’t have to put up with supervisors who smile at you and stick their knife in your back at the same time, like good old Melissa. Nope. I don’t do that stuff.

Then there is the money thing. Hmm. Somehow money comes with a paycheck. More money than with a social security or pension check. So in that respect, working isn’t all that bad. I’m just never going to do it again. Not ever, no matter what.

And I have the lovely auction coming up a week from Saturday. What I am not going to do is take every dime from that auction and throw it into the money pit of this house. That will not happen. We’ll see how much it is. We’ll see how I feel when I get it. We’ll see – but one thing is for sure – I need a break. I need to get out of town. Way out of town – another state out of town – and I will be doing that if I have to burn left over furniture in the fireplace for heat all winter. And they can keep their oil. They can do nasty stuff with their oil …………. if it involves their heads in a pot of oil and some fire …….. good deal. The old boiling in oil trick ……… I think I’ve done something like that before………….

Ah. Someday I will not own this house. That someday I am looking forward too with intense impatience. Me, a nice little log cabin, a wood stove, some logs …………. no oil company – heaven.

Oh Good

After my conversation with the unhelpful RH Foster repair man on Saturday, I thought I’d check around for someone else to repair the heat pump – which is exactly 3 months older than one year. Which means for that 90 days, I just got screwed.

I read the blinking lights which tell you what the error is and I get discharge temperature error 1. Whatever that is. I think it’s a big problem. It might be out sync with the computer, it could be refrigerant leaking – let’s face it – it’s broken.

Now I’m pretty steamed because I’ll be paying for this thing for 4 more years, whether it works or not. And I couldn’t find anyone to repair it yet. I’m not done looking though …….. still thinking there must be someone in Maine who isn’t RH Foster who could fix this thing. Cheap.

How annoying because today I could use the air conditioning part. And if this thing is broken, I don’t have an air conditioner. That means next summer I’ll die in the house. Or hang out in my bedroom with that air conditioner. Because I sold the two I had for downstairs. Maybe I’ll just buy two more. Obviously this is a crock.

You have to love companies that you give tons of money to ………. let’s see over the last couple of years I have paid RH Foster $12400. That seems to be enough to me. They won’t come out and fix my heat pump – which I paid $2500 to them – unless I pay cash. They’ll be picking up their propane tank. I’ve had enough of RH Foster. Totally.

And then I go trying to find someone else to repair this thing. And I found someone who will come out tomorrow. Maybe there is hope – maybe it isn’t a total hunk of junk that I’m stuck with forever. But I’ll tell ya – next time i give anyone 15K – they’d better jump when I say jump.

Flash Talk

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You’re about to enter a room full of strangers, where you will have exactly four minutes to tell a story that would convey who you really are. What’s your story?

I’m as old as time. I came in when all of us did, that point when the Cosmic Consciousness decided to cast the characters in His play, when he decided to make mankind and watch them manifest the Universe for him, the day He decided to play around.

He looked at what he’d done and smiled. He’d made us with two parts, the knowledge of Him and the part that had no knowledge of Him. He wanted to see if we’d get it – if we’d get His purpose, our purpose, our part in Him. And he smiled.

He’s watched us over the eons of time, watched us give up, watched us turn our backs on Him when things were going good and come running back when they got tough. I’ve done that. I am that. I can turn my back with the best of them, cuss Him out and tell Him he’s useless, but He keeps smiling, keeps showing up in my heart ……… burning like a tiny flame and then a deep roaring fire, burning up everything.

He smiles. He watched me try to cope with everything alone. He wondered when I’d have enough, when I’d whisper “Please help me, please take some of these burdens, please lighten my load for just a day or two, please help me.” When I got down to that point, He smiled. He talked to me, he told me I was his beautiful child and that He just wanted me to need Him, to come back to Him and to put all my love in Him. And I’ve done that – this time I’ve done that.

I look around my world now and I see only Him. I see Him in the face of my mirrored twin, the man He sent back to me, to care for and be cared for by. I see Him in the faces of my family, turned up to question what’s going on, why is this so hard? i see Him in the eyes of my cat, my Maggie, the adorable little cat. And I see Him in strangers, the ones I meet walking down the street, going to the Mall, the people who I chose to see. I see Him.

I see Him in the trees, the flowers, the sky, the clouds ad the soil. I smell Him in the air, the clean, fresh, crisp air. And I see Him in an apple, a banana and a pear. He’s everywhere. He’s just everywhere.

There’s no living without Him. There’s no way to spend time on this Earth and not see Him. I know He’s real ………… and He’s all in a name ………… Hari Ram

Mr. Right

Today, you’ll write about the most interesting person you’ve met in 2014. In your twist, develop and shape your portrait further in a character study.

Mr. Right doesn’t think he’s Mr. Right. But I know. I know he’s Mr. Right. He’s the only Mr. Right I need and the only one I want.

I met him by chance. The odds against us meeting, talking, getting to know each other – these were huge odds. We’re in two different places geographically, but we’re close to the bone spiritually.

I came across him because he said something, something I read and I went “Hmm.” There had been lots of remarks that drew me to him, but this one ……. it was an open invitation to the dance. I took him up on it. He probably wouldn’t even believe it was an invitation …… just something he said, something he did that made me take notice. That got that “Hmm” out of me.

It’s been an amazing two months and 2 days since we began our relationship. It went from interested friendship to a declaration of love in 17 days. That’s a record for me.

No one ever expressed their love for me the way he has …… many times he has. And I’ve never felt this way before and I’m wicked old to get this immense love in my life. Wicked old.

That day he told me he loves me, in the wee small hours of the morning when we both were exhausted but too much in love to shut down Face Time, too much in love to stop talking, too much in love ……… he told me about himself. Words like loving, caring, and some other words. I can’t remember them all. I remember smiling and putting my face in my hands in disbelief. I wasn’t expecting it, although I was already so far gone in love I would have walked over hot coals for him ….. or more.

He’s an amazing intellect and he cuts through bullshit with a sharp knife. He is a bit of an actor, going for the drama ……… and then when I object – laughing. He doesn’t push buttons. I’m so grateful for that. There aren’t any games being played and if I try one on him, I’m called on it immediately. He doesn’t do games.

He has a lot of responsibility. He’s never had the opportunity, not for years, to just be responsible for himself. I try to encourage him to do that – to care as much for himself as he does for those he feels responsible for. The only problem is, this man isn’t convincible.

I am an intelligent woman. I am psychic. And I have values, a spiritual path and a deep understanding of why we’re here – what we need to do. He’s the first person that sees that, that knows that and that I can talk with about that. That connection of spirit is ages deep. On that first morning of I love you, that connection was affirmed, we talked about it and we saw it.

And there’s some sort of karma here, but not the I owe you you owe me kind of karma. More the I agreed to find you kind of karma. And we know that in that agreement, this time, this lifetime, we have to do it right. Because we may not find each other for many ages again. And so this time, we do together right.

He’s a strong man, he is handsome. He has the most beautiful, crooked little smile.  He has wonderful eyes full of promise and a delightful laugh. He suits me. I look at him and I say “Oh yes, he’ll do” and I know he’s saying that about me.

We found each other at a point in both our lives when things are being transformed. My transformation has been happening since 2000, when my family and I moved from Michigan to Prince Edward Island. When I sat there in the middle of my Pluto line and got taught some changes. How to make them and why I need to. And now Pluto sits on my Sun, rides my life like a banshee, makes it all change, turns it upside down and shakes out the shadow, the stuff about me I don’t want to see. But Pluto means to show it to me so I’d be better off just cooperating. No point in resisting – didn’t someone say “Resistance is futile”?

And he’s transforming, getting ready for a major change – the end of a career, the beginning of a life. A life with freedom and hope and pleasure. A life not spent paying the man for the paycheck, a life spent with ease – here, not there. Here.

The Cosmic Consciousness sent him to me just as my husband is dying. My husband, the man I’ve been married to for almost 36 years now, in a nursing home, unable to speak, read, write and with severe memory loss – a man who took care of us, his wife and child, and a man who didn’t deserve this kind of ending, but got it anyway. A man I couldn’t take care of at home any longer. It wasn’t safe for him and it wasn’t good for me. I had to get out from under it after 3 years. Three long years of thinking we could do this, I could keep him at home and not have to give his care away. Yes, this man came along ……… to give me his support, his love and his devotion. So that I can live with that change, the ending of a marriage that was more karma than love, the ending of a marriage till death do us part.

And he brought with him his needs, wants and desires as well as the capacity to fulfill mine. We do a good job with those. We love each other to the point where we can’t imagine it’s only been a short time because it feels so normal, so right and so forever. And he gives of himself, this man I love, he gives of himself in ways I never could or would. But he’s always there – steady – honest and loving. And could I do without him? Absolutely not.

You see, he’s Mr. Right.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_assignment/writing-101-characters/

I Have An Assignment

My auction takes place October 4, which is perfect timing. Perfect timing for me to find an alternative, cheaper heat source for this 2200 square foot OLD house ……… the one with more drafts than the besmirched NFL ………. not as abusive though ……. it just sits here getting cold.

I’ve spent almost 8 winters here. The first year wasn’t bad because I had the cash to buy all my oil at once. One big check and it was over. In 2008 I was told my “budget” would be $408 a month – everybody in Maine was reeling from the cost. People were talking about living in one room, blocking off all the other rooms, getting pellet and wood stoves.

I wanted to get a pellet stove then, but didn’t. I should have done that instead of paying the year’s oil in 2007. I should actually have put in a new furnace, but we didn’t have natural gas piped to the street then, that came later.

So now i have decisions to make. Do I go with natural gas and get a new boiler? I could use the gas for my stove top and the dryer so it would be great to not use propane. And if I could eliminate oil at $4 a gallon ……. wow that would be good. Can you imagine a gallon of oil is $4 and you need at least 5 gallons a day to keep the house at 55 degrees? That’s $20 a day for heating oil. For something you should be able to take for granted – being warm. Not so in Maine, not so.

Years ago someone decided to build and sell pellet boilers here. I’m not sure what happened to that company, if they made it or not. Not a lot of people could afford the $15K for a furnace so I don’t imagine they did a booming business. But there is a pellet boiler made by Harman and it would heat the whole house. Or I could get an add-on pellet burner so I could choose between oil and pellets, depending on which is cheaper at the moment. Because all fuels will go up – if there’s a market, the price will rise.

I could get a pellet stove and put it on the first floor. I don’t need much heat upstairs where the bedrooms are and the bathroom I can heat up with an electric space heater when I need it warm.

Or I could get a wood stove – like this one which I love

Hearthstone Bari Wood Stove

So sleek and modern – not at all like my house …….. but it would add a certain style I like. Then I’d be searching out sources for firewood …….. another commodity with a price tag around here. Another price tag.

Or I could get this one and use pellets ………. if I could get them into the house ……….

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I’m sure I’m not the first woman to have to haul pellets …….. and clean stoves.

Either way, no matter what – something is going to change about the heating in this home ……. there will be less money thrown away on heat, more money thrown away on other things …….. it is, after all, only money.

And oh, if you have any ideas? Throw them my way ……….. making decisions about heating isn’t really something I know a whole lot about ….. and I’d appreciate any input.

13 Days

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I had to wind some yarn today. If you want to knit from this stuff, it has to be in a ball. And that’s something I’m going to treat myself to real soon – a ball winder and a swift. Because I will need it when I treat myself to that spinning wheel.

majacraft aura

Namely the Aura by Majacraft – has a good name for me, doesn’t it. I like auras. I like colorful auras full of rainbow colors, blues and greens with reds thrown in. I can imagine the auras of my WP friends, since I can’t stand in front of you and see them …….. I’ve put colors around you in my mind.

More projects …….. more knitting ……. more knitting planned. This is a wonderful time of year to knit, not too hot and you know you’re getting ready for something. Something called winter. And if you have to live in winter, you might as well wear a handmade sweater and handmade socks. It makes all the difference.

I found a new coat recently because if I have to wear that old blue one from Chicago in 1998 one more year I’ll scream. This time I got a white one. I had to think about it. I can see myself spilling coffee all over it. But it’s washable and I can do that. But now I need a new scarf. It won’t exactly be these colors, mine will be purple and aqua and blue/green – but it will look like this!

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This is a pattern from my absolute favorite yarn store – Churchmouse Yarn and Teas in Washington state. It uses a curly yarn, a bulky yarn and a normal, straight yarn without texture. Each row is a different yarn and they are always right there to change to so the scarf will be easy. Plain old garter stitch can look this good? Yes it can.

I have more than one scarf planned. I might feel aqua and purple one day and purple and primary colors and orange the next ………. I’ll let you in on a secret if you won’t tell anyone.

I wear colors that represent the day. I know it’s weird, I just do it. I wear gray or silver on Monday for the Moon, red on Tuesday to honor Mars, green on Wednesday for Mercury, Jupiter on Thursday gets purple and Venus on Friday gets rose, blue or green. Then Saturday comes and i just have to honor Dear Lord Saturn with dark blue. Being a Capricorn in western astrology, he’s my ruling planet – in Vedic astrology I’m ruled by Jupiter ……. being a Sagittarius in Jyotish. And then we start all over again with Sun’s day – red for the sun, bright orangey red.  That’s why I need so many clothes …………. good try, huh?

Somehow I think playing along with the planets makes them happy. Luckily Pluto Uranus and Neptune don’t have days of the week – but if they did I’d wear blue/green for watery Pisces ruler Neptune and black for Pluto (he’s giving me a rough time with all this transformation stuff going on) and Uranus? Hot electric blue, I’d say. Blue so blue it’s almost white ……….

Hard to believe that a week from today this house will finally be almost empty. There won’t be boxes of stuff in my foyer, masses of stuff in the downstairs sun porch, masses of quilts and paintings in the study. The grandfather clock will be gone – I haven’t wound it for at least 7 years, maybe longer. I don’t keep track of time. It doesn’t mean much to me. But I know days and I know in 7 days the process will be taken to another level, another level of me getting free, of me getting past stuff, away from things ………… and then in 13 days the auction will happen. There’s a lot of looking going on at Auction Zip. I hope the lookers come to the auction, or at least phone it in. I hear I’m going to be interviewed by our local paper so that it comes out right before the auction – me, the story of my life as an artist living in Bangor. What I did wasn’t too impressive to me, I guess it seems impressive to others. I just did what I did – because I had to. Like I have to knit, like I have to dye fabrics, like I have to make things ………. projects. A project oriented woman, that’s me.

And so it will be over – an exciting time it’s been too. Meeting some of the nicest people I’ve ever known, Kay and Keith and Tina – and knowing that I’ll have them around me for a long time, being there as friends now, not workers. Being together as friends. I thought I’d lost the knack. Sometimes being sheltered, staying out of society can make you feel you don’t belong anywhere anymore. When someone asks me where I’m from I always answer “I have no idea.” And it’s true. When you’re a nomad and you move from this state to that from this country to that …… you lose your roots. When your family is all gone – all the family you’ll speak to anyway – you only have where you’re at ……. where you came from is gone.

And gone is what’s going to be done in 13 days ……… and two weeks from today? I think I’ll be smiling a lot.

I Slay Me

I do, I really do. I don’t get myself. I have brains, somewhere. I may have left them in my other clothes, put them away, forgot to put them back in.

You know, being intelligent is a curse. My old boss from Iowa, Bill, he used to say that. He was way smart, wicked smart. It got him a job as a lawyer with the second job as an accountant. It didn’t get him paid though …….. people always put the legal fees on the back burner, unless the lawyer’s smart enough to get the money upfront, before any work is done. Bill wasn’t always that smart.

But he had other smarts that had nothing to do with money. He knew people, he was interesting, he like a good time as long as you didn’t get too close – too near his heart, too near him. He had a great game of putting you off, leaving you thinking ………… sly old boss he was.

An empathetic person, always caring about what his clients, his friends and his family were going through. Like the times we did farm auctions for friends of his who were selling everything, bills to pay for interest on their loans ……. the interest that went sky high in 1983, the interest nobody could pay. The sadness Bill experienced watching his friends lose it all, the complete sadness.

He took me on, after years of knowing me – his secretary left and he called me to help. I went. It was a job I wanted for a long time. We worked well together – unless I’d screw something up – never mind if he did – but when I did the temper flared. I got burned, scalded, obliterated. I didn’t care  – I yelled back. It was great having a friend for a boss ……. no need to be coy, pretend you felt something you didn’t. No need to acquiesce to stupidness just because that guy gave you a paycheck. And a mighty small paycheck it was.

When it came time for me to leave, to go to the big city, leave Iowa behind, he lied for me. He told my prospective employers I was making more money with him than I was. It made it possible for me to get an almost fair wage in Detroit – not totally fair but fair enough.

And so we parted, him regretful that I was leaving, me not wanting to leave. A kinship had developed over the almost 4 years I knew him. We had a bond, a friendship. Sad that I’ve never seen him again, no trips to Iowa and no trips for him to Detroit. But I know he’s still there, still helping everybody out, still caring – and still not getting paid ………